The Asininity of Flying

I’m flying today… again.  Every time I do I tell myself it would be better, more enjoyable and less stupid to just drive.  But every time I consider driving 21 hours to get somewhere, it seems like a huge inconvenience and a total waste of time.

The irony of it is that it’s the airlines and their own arrogance and capitulation that make utilizing their business model so undesirable.  For all the money they spend in advertising, and for all the ridiculous money they charge to fly – they ought to be able to come up with a business plan that makes something as commonplace and simple as flying appealing.

The biggest issue of course is their so-called security.  Airline security is like a Jeff Foxworthy joke – everyone gets the punchline because it’s so dang obvious that any child can figure it out.  To be 110% reactionary in your security is to openly declare that you’re just waiting for someone to be innovative so that you can hold a committee meeting to decide how to defend against it after the fact.  Nevermind the punitive nature of the so-called defense to your paying customers.

I’m on a plane right now and not only do I have a multitude of items in my carry-on that could be used by a complete moron as a deadly weapon – but the airline themselves have provided me with several right here on the plane.  With their brand of security, the only way the airlines could actually have a truly secure flight would be for everyone to be buck-naked, cavity search and cuffed and chained to the floor.  If they did that, we’d definitely make it safely where we’re going.  Well, unless someone decided to get innovative with their lock picks and keys (check! already done).

Actually, any Honey Badger could come up with a 100% secure solution while they were busy choking out cobras and stealing honey from a bee nest.  The simplest solution is to simply hand out Tasers to any passenger who wanted one and is certified as they board the flight.  Anyone that tried to get aggressive on the flight would get hit with 30 barbs as soon as they tried to move to the cabin doors – even if they had a gun with them.  That is of course, assuming the flight isn’t full of a bunch of government teet sucking liberals who expect everyone else to do the tasing for them.  They probably deserve to have their plane taken over and crashed anyway.

The other thing that amazes me is that airlines are so open about their most vulnerable point!  They actively advertise to everyone that if we were all using our cell phones we’d crash the plane.  I’m waiting to hear a news story where some jihadists pop up on a plane and start yelling “Open the cabin doors or we will ALL turn on our phones and call people!”.  They’d have immediate access to the cabin!  Are we really relying on terrorists to be too stupid to figure out this little ploy?

Unless, of course, the airlines are just full of crap.  They say they’re hardened against an EMP (which I seriously doubt) and they’re flying up in the air right by all the 100′s of satellites that are receiving billions of cellular signals – right?  Seriously, up here in the ionosphere must be where the heaviest concentration of radio signals is.  They can’t handle me turning on my phone?  And they still haven’t figured out a good solution to this threat in 2012?  I call BS.

While I do appreciate that not everyone on the plane is talking on their phone, right now there are a hundred inane conversations going on around me that are just as annoying.  Telling us we can’t turn our phones on when we’re flying is just plain stupid.  Either it’s stupid because it won’t actually do anything or it’s stupid because it will and these dolts at the aeronautical engineering places haven’t figured out how to fix it yet.

The other really annoying thing is the “safety briefing” I was looking around during it and nobody, including me, was paying attention.  Just liability legal babble.  If you don’t know how flying safety works, read the dumb brochure.  That’s all they really need to say.

Hey airlines, we’ve been flying with you and watching you.  We talked about it and we all decided that you suck.  But we’ll keep flying cause driving cross-country sucks even more.

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